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Where the hell am I?
By: Façade |
Therian. If you said this word to the average person the response would
be, “What the hell is a therian?” Your average person on the Internet
would respond with “\/\/h@7 the h311 i5 @ therian, |\|00|3?” Ask your
average priest and they will respond “What is a therian and how can I
force my beliefs on them?” So after being stared at awkward, flamed to
within an inch of your life, and raped in the confession room, you will
realize that you are a humongous fool because goggling the term would
have brought you to a wide number of people who know what you were
talking about. Asking them what a therian is would give you a wide
verity of answers. The condensed version is a person with some
abnormality in their soul that causes them to identify with a certain
creature. It’s like if you found a G.I Joe with three arms at target,
but one of the arms was from a Barbie.
Awakening is a big deal
for a therian because it’s the most action you get for quite some time.
Awakenings can be the sort of things that are exiting, life changing
moments that you will love and cherish for the rest of your life. If
that is the lottery jackpot, then if you’re like me, you’re the guy who
won like only two bucks. It’s technically a win, but it’ll cost you
more in gas to claim the ticket then what it is actually worth so it’s
more like a nice smack in the face. Now I’m not going to talk about
how to find this community, because if you’re reading this then you’ve
found us. In any case, you’re awakened and you’ve stumbled onto
therians and their resources. If you’re lucky, you’ll accept it and
start learning about yourself. If you’re like me, a Lutheran who didn’t
believe in any of this up until I first found it through wikifur, your
feelings can be nicely summed up by this haiku:
Holy f**king s**t,
I’m some sort of therian?
Jesus, What the F**k!?!?!?
And you’ll run into hiding for a few months till you start to cope and want to know what’s going on.
And
so now you’ve awakened, the hard part begins. You know that you’re
therian, but not what kind. With thousands and millions of different
creatures you could be, from an animal to a demonic being, to even a
shape shifter, to say the odds are agents you is an understatement.
While you may never figure out what you are, until you figure it out
it’s your mission in life. Why is it so important? So when a person
asks, “What is your theriotype?” you can actually answer instead of
just awkwardly saying you don’t know. Without a theriotype, you’re like
the one guy using Viagra when everyone in the room is making fun of the
product’s users. Simply put, you what to figure it out as fast as you
can without screwing up. How do it? It’s easy! You simply forget what
you have been taught all your life, and do some soul searching without
any real direction on how to do that. Also a lot of meditation, and I
mean A LOT. If you have something like ADD, let me be the first to tell
you that you’re royally screwed.
So what happens after that?
Darned if I know you lucky little son of a b***h. I don’t know mine
yet. You’re on your own. Yet, this is not the end of the guide. I have
skipped a large part of what makes a person a therian, and that is
shifting. Here’s my quick guide about shifting, adapted from
VampireKitte’s.
• Dream Shift:
A physical transformation can
at times occur within dreams, you know, when you’re not dreaming about
more random/sexy things. Things like eating cheese in a class room when
the teacher is Jennifer Love Hewitt. Some people don't consider this a
true shift, which means all the excitement you may have had a few
seconds ago has been crushed like a little bug. Therians will often
find their inner animal (called their theriotype) appear regularly in
dreams. This can also be called, "Lucid Shifting"... which can be
induced by Lucid Dreaming as well. (You cheaters)
• Mental Shift:
The
therian takes on the mental characteristics/ attributes/ stereotypes of
their theriotype. They start acting and thinking like there were-side.
Say you’re a dog therian, you might want to be pet and may walk on four
legs, or if you were a sloth therian you would want to act like an
average American citizen. This feels as if their mind is being forced
back behind the old comic books in the closet of your mind. A new mind
is replacing the old one for a short time. It’s kind of like the role
of Dumbledore in the Harry Potter films, except your minds actually
going to come back. Often times a therian can be scared, angry, or
relaxed when this occurs. No, this doesn’t mean you the Hulk.
• Phantom Shift:
Ever
heard of the phantom limb theory? - Where when someone loses a limb
they feel almost like the ghostly residue of that limb still there,
except the fake limb is useless and it’s almost a new form of torture
for the poor limbless victim. This is the same sort of thing. A were
suffering a phantom shift may get the sensations of elongated teeth, or
fur, or ears that can move, perhaps even a tail or wings sprouting from
them. They basically gain phantom animal limbs, which are even more
useless then the real phantom limbs. This is one of the more everyday
shifts that can occur, be it at school, work, wherever. This shift can
take some time getting used to especially if the therian is out in
public. In other words, it’s like therian puberty and certain body
parts will seem to gain a mind of their own. This time, however, god
only knows how long it’s going to last. Also, by reading this section,
you’re cursed to start having phantom limbs from now on. Have fun!
• Astral Shift:
When
a person astral projects their astral body becomes that of the animal
as they are on the astral plane. Usually this is a self induced thing
for people who know how to astral project. Although has been known to
happen when a person accidentally induced an astral projection, which
is the third on the list of things to make you say “What the
hell?!?!?!” Theriotypes have been known to induce this for them. In
this case, the shift has the same feeling as being smacked with a trout
at around three in the morning. It’s unexpected, shocking, and makes
you smell like fish for about a week.
• Aural Shift:
The
aura changes to that of the theriotype. Some were's believe their auras
take on the shape of the animal during these. Others think that if it
didn’t, why the hell would it be called a shift? An aural shift is an
easily induced shift if you know how to induce a phantom shift and or
can feel your astral body or both you over achiever. This is more or
less considered "Shamanic Shape shifting". Where a shaman can take on
the characteristics/abilities of the animal and "shape shift" their
aura into it. See the mental shift section to see what this entails.
• Shadow Shift:
Shadows
will sometimes play on a therians features giving them an intimidating
and animalistic looking figure. I've noticed this occurs more or less
in dim and dark rooms, with not very much light. A bright and full
moon, insomnia, and/or a bottle of Jack Daniel can also aid in creating
a shadow shift.
• Relocation Shift:
When the were's spirit
leaves the body and forms a new separate physical body, like multiple
personality disorder on steroids or that one guy from Killer 7. I
haven't heard much about this sort of shift; however I don't doubt that
it's possible. There are hundreds of people everyday claiming
supernatural phenomena, like the guy who finds Marry on his toast or
the guy who claims that there is a ghost that oddly looks like a finger
in his picture. This would more or less be one of those situations.
• Physical Shifting:
The
form of shifting that a majority of therians can not pull off. The
ironic thing is that the biggest, loudest, and most annoying a$$holes
seemed to have the ability. They are often seen flaunting this ability
at others. While the formal investigations on why jerks have gained the
ability is ongoing, a solution to retch the ability out of their hands
has been found. They feed off the energy given off when they are flamed
for their claims. The only to kill one is to stop feeding it, and so
ignoring their post will prove lethal to a P-Shifter. Less than one
percent of the population thinks that P-shifting is possible, the rest
say, “What the hell is P-shifting?”
[Author's
Note] This work is satirical and meant purely for comedy. While facts
are presented in this work, its use as a guide is limited. I didn't
mean to offend anyone who read this guide, and if I did I apologize. I
meant it all in good fun.
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