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Where the hell am I?

By: Façade


Therian. If you said this word to the average person the response would be, “What the hell is a therian?” Your average person on the Internet would respond with “\/\/h@7 the h311 i5 @ therian, |\|00|3?” Ask your average priest and they will respond “What is a therian and how can I force my beliefs on them?” So after being stared at awkward, flamed to within an inch of your life, and raped in the confession room, you will realize that you are a humongous fool because goggling the term would have brought you to a wide number of people who know what you were talking about. Asking them what a therian is would give you a wide verity of answers. The condensed version is a person with some abnormality in their soul that causes them to identify with a certain creature. It’s like if you found a G.I Joe with three arms at target, but one of the arms was from a Barbie.

Awakening is a big deal for a therian because it’s the most action you get for quite some time. Awakenings can be the sort of things that are exiting, life changing moments that you will love and cherish for the rest of your life. If that is the lottery jackpot, then if you’re like me, you’re the guy who won like only two bucks. It’s technically a win, but it’ll cost you more in gas to claim the ticket then what it is actually worth so it’s more like a nice smack in the face.  Now I’m not going to talk about how to find this community, because if you’re reading this then you’ve found us. In any case, you’re awakened and you’ve stumbled onto therians and their resources. If you’re lucky, you’ll accept it and start learning about yourself. If you’re like me, a Lutheran who didn’t believe in any of this up until I first found it through wikifur, your feelings can be nicely summed up by this haiku:

Holy f**king s**t,
I’m some sort of therian?
Jesus, What the F**k!?!?!?

And you’ll run into hiding for a few months till you start to cope and want to know what’s going on.

And so now you’ve awakened, the hard part begins. You know that you’re therian, but not what kind. With thousands and millions of different creatures you could be, from an animal to a demonic being, to even a shape shifter, to say the odds are agents you is an understatement. While you may never figure out what you are, until you figure it out it’s your mission in life. Why is it so important? So when a person asks, “What is your theriotype?” you can actually answer instead of just awkwardly saying you don’t know. Without a theriotype, you’re like the one guy using Viagra when everyone in the room is making fun of the product’s users. Simply put, you what to figure it out as fast as you can without screwing up. How do it? It’s easy! You simply forget what you have been taught all your life, and do some soul searching without any real direction on how to do that. Also a lot of meditation, and I mean A LOT. If you have something like ADD, let me be the first to tell you that you’re royally screwed.

So what happens after that? Darned if I know you lucky little son of a b***h. I don’t know mine yet. You’re on your own. Yet, this is not the end of the guide. I have skipped a large part of what makes a person a therian, and that is shifting. Here’s my quick guide about shifting, adapted from VampireKitte’s.

• Dream Shift:
A physical transformation can at times occur within dreams, you know, when you’re not dreaming about more random/sexy things. Things like eating cheese in a class room when the teacher is Jennifer Love Hewitt. Some people don't consider this a true shift, which means all the excitement you may have had a few seconds ago has been crushed like a little bug. Therians will often find their inner animal (called their theriotype) appear regularly in dreams. This can also be called, "Lucid Shifting"... which can be induced by Lucid Dreaming as well. (You cheaters)

• Mental Shift:
The therian takes on the mental characteristics/ attributes/ stereotypes of their theriotype. They start acting and thinking like there were-side. Say you’re a dog therian, you might want to be pet and may walk on four legs, or if you were a sloth therian you would want to act like an average American citizen. This feels as if their mind is being forced back behind the old comic books in the closet of your mind. A new mind is replacing the old one for a short time. It’s kind of like the role of Dumbledore in the Harry Potter films, except your minds actually going to come back. Often times a therian can be scared, angry, or relaxed when this occurs. No, this doesn’t mean you the Hulk.

• Phantom Shift:
Ever heard of the phantom limb theory? - Where when someone loses a limb they feel almost like the ghostly residue of that limb still there, except the fake limb is useless and it’s almost a new form of torture for the poor limbless victim. This is the same sort of thing. A were suffering a phantom shift may get the sensations of elongated teeth, or fur, or ears that can move, perhaps even a tail or wings sprouting from them. They basically gain phantom animal limbs, which are even more useless then the real phantom limbs. This is one of the more everyday shifts that can occur, be it at school, work, wherever. This shift can take some time getting used to especially if the therian is out in public. In other words, it’s like therian puberty and certain body parts will seem to gain a mind of their own. This time, however, god only knows how long it’s going to last. Also, by reading this section, you’re cursed to start having phantom limbs from now on. Have fun!

• Astral Shift:
When a person astral projects their astral body becomes that of the animal as they are on the astral plane. Usually this is a self induced thing for people who know how to astral project. Although has been known to happen when a person accidentally induced an astral projection, which is the third on the list of things to make you say “What the hell?!?!?!” Theriotypes have been known to induce this for them. In this case, the shift has the same feeling as being smacked with a trout at around three in the morning. It’s unexpected, shocking, and makes you smell like fish for about a week.

• Aural Shift:
The aura changes to that of the theriotype. Some were's believe their auras take on the shape of the animal during these. Others think that if it didn’t, why the hell would it be called a shift? An aural shift is an easily induced shift if you know how to induce a phantom shift and or can feel your astral body or both you over achiever. This is more or less considered "Shamanic Shape shifting". Where a shaman can take on the characteristics/abilities of the animal and "shape shift" their aura into it. See the mental shift section to see what this entails.

• Shadow Shift:
Shadows will sometimes play on a therians features giving them an intimidating and animalistic looking figure. I've noticed this occurs more or less in dim and dark rooms, with not very much light. A bright and full moon, insomnia, and/or a bottle of Jack Daniel can also aid in creating a shadow shift.

• Relocation Shift:
When the were's spirit leaves the body and forms a new separate physical body, like multiple personality disorder on steroids or that one guy from Killer 7. I haven't heard much about this sort of shift; however I don't doubt that it's possible. There are hundreds of people everyday claiming supernatural phenomena, like the guy who finds Marry on his toast or the guy who claims that there is a ghost that oddly looks like a finger in his picture. This would more or less be one of those situations.

• Physical Shifting:
The form of shifting that a majority of therians can not pull off. The ironic thing is that the biggest, loudest, and most annoying a$$holes seemed to have the ability. They are often seen flaunting this ability at others. While the formal investigations on why jerks have gained the ability is ongoing, a solution to retch the ability out of their hands has been found. They feed off the energy given off when they are flamed for their claims. The only to kill one is to stop feeding it, and so ignoring their post will prove lethal to a P-Shifter. Less than one percent of the population thinks that P-shifting is possible, the rest say, “What the hell is P-shifting?”

[Author's Note] This work is satirical and meant purely for comedy. While facts are presented in this work, its use as a guide is limited. I didn't mean to offend anyone who read this guide, and if I did I apologize. I meant it all in good fun.

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